Chasing After Milestones

I am very much a mover.  With a background in both dance and early childhood development, I have written and presented workshops advocating for authentic movement experiences for infants and toddlers.  After having my daughter El, I was (and still am) excited to watch her gross motor development naturally unfold. 

But in all honesty, I wish it would unfold a little faster. 

In previous blog posts I've discussed, disclosed and processed my internal impatience with El's gross motor development.  At first it was the 'rolling over' milestone that made me nervous, now a week shy of turning the big 1, El is not crawling, pulling up to stand, and avoids putting weight on her legs.  

I am continually challenged to TRUST that she knows what she's doing.  So far, her process has proven to be nothing short of fascinating and it gets her there eventually. 

However, what still surprises me is the undercurrent of anticipation, anxiety and the twinge of isolation that accompanies not being 

perched on top of the developmental bell curve.  

When I openly acknowledge that I struggle to be confident in El's gross motor development, I am met with the response, "Every child is different! You can't compare!"  Unfortunately, it is human nature to compare and categorize.  I can't help but notice that at the park I am the only parent in our playgroup that still totes a blanket for El and I to camp out on.  As the other parents chase after their little movers, we are stationary like content little Buddhas. 

And then the overcompensation seeps in.  Last week I observed El as she stacked blocks. I Googled, "How old are children when they begin to stack blocks."  Baby Center said,  "18months."  

18 months!  

My baby is advanced at block stacking!  

That's why she's not crawling! She's too busy becoming a block stacking prodigy!

"Earlier is not better," said infant specialist Magda Gerber, but regrettably and with much guilt I admit, as a parent, earlier feels better. 

Despite my inner conflicts and insecurities, I remain committed to supporting El's natural gross motor development. 


When it comes to parenting, what I feel and what I know are often at odds.  But luckily, my brain routinely reminds my heart that her process is perfect and always will be.  

I'll someday reflect on our early days together and become overwhelmed with wonder and disbelief that El was once a small baby who loved nothing more than to cuddle on my lap, flip through book after book, and watch the world go by on a blanket in the front yard.  






Be sure to check out..

 Related posts 

The Benefits of Allowing Your Baby to Struggle

Practice What you Promise

Resources on natural gross motor development

Sitting Babies Up, the Down Side; Janet Lansbury 

Freedom of Movement and Self-Awareness; Ruth Ann Hammond 

Practice What You Promise

This post is an extension of, The Benefits of Allowing your Baby to Struggle.  Through observing my daughter, El, I discovered the feelings I projected onto her experiences were interrupting her play and process. The following promises emerged as a guide, so I can better support my daughter as she discovers her potential and navigates her world. 

Making promises is easy, keeping promises takes practice. 

Our playtime started in the usual manner; I laid El down on her back with a few simple toys scattered around her.

I promise to believe you are capable.

El ignored the toys that were closest to her and began to take interest in the one toy I placed at a challenging distance. In this case it was a bright yellow jar lid. She reached, reached, and reached some more. Straining her body and arching her back, she crossed her midline with both arms and legs until she almost flopped over on her belly. After her first attempt she stopped, looked at me, cried out and then paused. At this point I began to sweat.

I’m the one who put the jar lid so far away in the first place!

I can fix this!

It doesn’t have to be this way!

It’s my fault she’s struggling!

I promise to give you permission to fail.

But instead I did nothing. I acknowledged her frustrations and continued to observe. I watched in suspense as her fingers grazed the jar lid, pushing it further away.

How long should I allow this to go on?

I promise to accept you fully, as is.

Periodically she looked at me, red-faced and crying, and then suddenly turned back, focused on her chosen task. I learned my daughter is persistent.

 I promise to give you time to succeed. 

Then something happened. She switched strategies. She began pulling the blanket

the lid was sitting on. With a few gentle tugs, the lid moved closer. She picked it up, waved it around and smiled at me.

I smiled back and said, “You did it!”

Phew, she did it.

Anxiety was replaced with the calm of relief and we were both giddy with delight. There are times throughout every day I give into temptation and fall back into my old habits of avoiding the tough feelings that accompany struggle. However, when I swoop in and ensure success, the experience is never as satisfying, engaging or interesting for either of us.

I promise to TRUST your process.

Each time she plays, I have the opportunity to practice resisting the urge to fix, rescue and remedy, and in return I am reminded that the value is in the process, not the prize. 

Inspirations:

Don't Help this Baby, Janet Lansbury

Magda Gerber

Resources for Infant Educarors (RIE)

Meet that Milestone Today!

Milestones are anxiety provoking.  They exist for a reason but the time line is enough to make any parent sweat at their scheduled wellness check-ins.  I was relieved when I had a three month block between the 6month and 9month check-in, because El had not rolled over yet.  I knew we were going to need some time.  She still hasn't at 7months.  Don't worry, I Googled it, there is still hope.

Sometimes, when I'm having a rough day and I'm laying on the floor watching El play and she begins to roll to her side, and then looks as if she's about to tip over on her belly I think,

If you rolled over, that would make today so much better.

This is a strange thought coming from somebody who used to create and facilitate workshops that advocated for natural gross motor development.  I don't believe that tummy time and baby positioning contraptions make things happen any faster, that we can teach motor skills, and that it's healthy to push typically developing babies to meet milestones that only THEY can meet when they are ready.

So, repeat after me, or I should say, repeat after Magda Gerber...

"Earlier is not better!"

My rational brain KNOWS this is true.  I'm often perplexed when my feelings and behaviors don't align with what I know and believe in.  

When people ask me  how El is doing, I sometimes say, "She's so great.  She's not rolling over though."  I'm met with the response, "That's okay!  She'll get there! Every child is different." Again, I KNOW this.  I'm saddened that against my best intentions, I'm defining my child by her deficits and not her strengths.  This competitive mindset runs rampant through our educational system and it has no place in my home and in my relationships. 

Therefore, from now on, when you or anyone asks me about my daughter I will gladly tell you how she...

• brilliantly comes up with ways to get toys to come to her.
• runs her fingers gently through my hair without tugging.
• plays peek-a-boo with anything she can get her hands on.

     As for the rolling over milestone...?  

From a dance perspective, her fully integrated baby body breaks down even the most seemingly simple movements at a pace where I can appreciate the grace of her limbs as they move through space. What a gift.  

Whenever I feel the urge to compare my daughter to other children or Google, "When should my baby..."  I'm going to look my daughter in the eyes and say,

"Take your time baby girl and enjoy the ride." 

Resources

Feldenkrais Class; Baby Liv Rolling Over

Chicago Children's Museum; Born to Move (authored by Me!)

Janet Lansbury; Set Me Free

Magda Gerber