Reasons to Love the Big "NO"

The word NO is a word that some parents dread their little ones learning.  People have warned me, "Just wait until she starts saying NO!"  I've even heard stories of parents avoiding the word all together in hopes that their child wouldn't learn to say it or use it.

But in the end...

NO is inevitable.  

NO is going to happen.

And there's NO way around it. 

NO is a powerful word. The first impulse might be to stop this inconvenient and threatening word as soon as passes through a toddlers lips ("Don't you say NO to me!"). Hearing NO from a small child can potentially bring on feelings of vulnerability, inadequacy or loss of power.

However, when my daughter El learned to say NO, I was surprised that our relationship transformed for the better.  With this powerful, 2-letter word, she holds me accountable to my parenting ideals and reminds me that she deserves clarity and consistency. 


Just by uttering the word NO she can say...

• Tell me what's happening now.
• Tell me what's happening next.
• Slow down.
• Let me try first. 
• I'm frustrated.
• Don't touch me. 
• Show me you understand.
• I wanted that.  
• Give me a choice. 
• Set a limit. 

It's hard to hide my smile and pride as she asserts her independence, challenges authority, asks questions, tries and tries again and demands respect.  NO has brought out these bold and beautiful qualities in my daughter.  Therefore, even though this word may be inconvenient to hear at times, I wouldn't trade them for the ease of a million Yes's.  

Related Resources...
What to do When Toddlers Say NO; Janet Lansbury 

A Cure for Monkey Brain

I started a new part-time job that consumes the majority of my free time.  It's only twelve hours a week, but that doesn't cease to fill me with guilt that El, my 13 month-old daughter's routine is disrupted and my brain occasionally hijacked.  Three days a week I am onsite.  On those three days, she doesn't nap in her bed and has to eat breakfast in the car when she would normally be home playing in her pajamas.   

And because I do some work from home,  it's not uncommon for my mind to stray from the present and jump from task to task. I constantly pull myself out of the trenches of LaLa Work Land as soon as I realize that's where I've set up camp. 

I openly admit, I compromised her comfort for my own personal reasons for taking on a job.   

And the reality is, on those three days, it is more about me than it is about her.  

I'm pretty sure that's the definition of Mommy Guilt. 


However, despite the additional influx of chaos and distraction I have welcomed into our lives, if there is one thing we can count on, it's bath time.

Not my bath time, but El's bath time.  Every evening, after dinner, I slip her into her tub, add some bubbles, hand her a bath tub book and turn on some music.  She smiles, I smile back as we both indulge in the comfort of our bath time ritual.   For at least 20minutes, we have nowhere to go and nowhere to be.  

As she physically cleanses, I mentally cleanse.  Breakfast, lunch and dinner rinses off her skin.  The dirt on her knees and on the tops of her feet wash away.  Tear stains from bumping her head, now gone. When my mind drifts, her splashes bring me back to her. 

I make sure I play too.  Hands immersed in water, putting caps (our tried and true toy) on our heads, and planting bubbles on our noses. The ending of one song prompts her to dance until the next one begins.  Sometimes I sing, and sometimes she sings too.  


After bath, I wrap her in a towel and I hold her cheek to cheek. When she sees her reflection in the bathroom mirror she always yells with her mouth opened-wide, two front teeth exposed and grinning in delight. 

Always. 

The power of simple care routines and rituals cannot be underestimated. They are reliable anchors in any chaotic day and are a cure for even the worst monkey brain. Whether it is a diaper change, bath, nursing, or lunch time, they draw me out of my cave, and refocus my attention on providing care for my daughter, the most meaningful work of all.  

More on mindful care routines here:

Empowering Our Babies With Rituals; Janet Lansbury

Round the Clock Routines; Ruthanne Hammond 

  

Chasing After Milestones

I am very much a mover.  With a background in both dance and early childhood development, I have written and presented workshops advocating for authentic movement experiences for infants and toddlers.  After having my daughter El, I was (and still am) excited to watch her gross motor development naturally unfold. 

But in all honesty, I wish it would unfold a little faster. 

In previous blog posts I've discussed, disclosed and processed my internal impatience with El's gross motor development.  At first it was the 'rolling over' milestone that made me nervous, now a week shy of turning the big 1, El is not crawling, pulling up to stand, and avoids putting weight on her legs.  

I am continually challenged to TRUST that she knows what she's doing.  So far, her process has proven to be nothing short of fascinating and it gets her there eventually. 

However, what still surprises me is the undercurrent of anticipation, anxiety and the twinge of isolation that accompanies not being 

perched on top of the developmental bell curve.  

When I openly acknowledge that I struggle to be confident in El's gross motor development, I am met with the response, "Every child is different! You can't compare!"  Unfortunately, it is human nature to compare and categorize.  I can't help but notice that at the park I am the only parent in our playgroup that still totes a blanket for El and I to camp out on.  As the other parents chase after their little movers, we are stationary like content little Buddhas. 

And then the overcompensation seeps in.  Last week I observed El as she stacked blocks. I Googled, "How old are children when they begin to stack blocks."  Baby Center said,  "18months."  

18 months!  

My baby is advanced at block stacking!  

That's why she's not crawling! She's too busy becoming a block stacking prodigy!

"Earlier is not better," said infant specialist Magda Gerber, but regrettably and with much guilt I admit, as a parent, earlier feels better. 

Despite my inner conflicts and insecurities, I remain committed to supporting El's natural gross motor development. 


When it comes to parenting, what I feel and what I know are often at odds.  But luckily, my brain routinely reminds my heart that her process is perfect and always will be.  

I'll someday reflect on our early days together and become overwhelmed with wonder and disbelief that El was once a small baby who loved nothing more than to cuddle on my lap, flip through book after book, and watch the world go by on a blanket in the front yard.  






Be sure to check out..

 Related posts 

The Benefits of Allowing Your Baby to Struggle

Practice What you Promise

Resources on natural gross motor development

Sitting Babies Up, the Down Side; Janet Lansbury 

Freedom of Movement and Self-Awareness; Ruth Ann Hammond 

The Softer Side of Toddlers

Observing a toddler interact with a baby can be nerve racking. 
As a former playgroup facilitator for babies and toddlers, it was not unusual to hear well-intentioned parents issue warnings before their toddler had the opportunity to engage.

"Be gentle! Be nice!  Don't Touch!"

However, by avoiding premeditated and often imagined catastrophes, children are prevented from exploring relationships and building friendships.  

As young as three months, El adored her toddler friends.  At nine months she still watches them closely as they scurry around the room, always returning to squat down and study her. They present toys to her as if they were gifts without any incentive or directive to share.  And when toys are taken (if they can pry them from her tough little fingers), they are often replaced with another one. 

They stroke her head as she nurses, pat her tummy as she plays and occasionally she receives a gentle hug. What her older friends know about caregiving is illuminated when they engage with my daughter.  

Therefore, to help ease my parental anxieties when facilitating play amongst babies and toddlers, I keep these tips in mind. 

Consider proximity: Sit close enough to intervene but far back enough to provide a sense of comfort and autonomy. 

Narrate (aka sportscasting):  Help both children tune into their environment, their actions and each other, by objectively narrating their play as it unfolds. 

Listen: Provide moments of silence to allow the children to take the lead in communications. 

TRUST:  Refrain from the knee-jerk response to prematurely intervene. Unless it's an immediate safety concern, wait, wait and then wait some more.                                                                                             

I'm not claiming that baby and toddler social interactions are void of conflict and clumsiness.  However, despite the need to occasionally block a poke in the eye or a swat at the nose, the majority of interactions I have witnessed negate the stereotypical egocentric toddler and the fragile baby.  

By learning to control the impulse of always being on high alert, and providing the freedom to play despite developmental differences, I have witnessed children's amazing capacity for empathy, curiosity and the sophisticated ability to communicate through gestures, vocalizations and touch.

Related Topics:

When Babies Connect 

  

Babies Gone Wild

My baby is screaming and thrashing about during a diaper change. The snot sucker is her worst enemy.  The bath to changing table transition can be far from pleasant.  Wiping her face and hands provokes a burst of complaints. 

I resist the instinctive urge to....

distract her and go super duper fast!

When our children's feelings are intense or they are exercising their right to protest, it's natural to look for strategies that abolish the behavior once and for all.  Parents often ask, "How do I FIX this!" However, when I stopped looking for a...

• quick fix  
• method to follow
• or 100% success rate 

I freed myself from the burden of finding the ultimate solution and eradicating uncomfortable feelings.   

When this topic arises amongst peers, I think of Lisa Sunbury's post, Holding her Through her Tears.  She discusses the idea of keeping the calm space when your child cannot.  


My daughter was in the midst of protesting her pre-nap diaper change. her face scrunched up, legs kicking and tears streaming as she yelled. I remembered Lisa's words and kept the calm space by slowing down.  

My husband who was watching with concern said, "Can you hurry it up a bit!?"  

Every time she screamed, I took a deep breath and continued, slow and steady.  I acknowledged her feelings, talked her through next steps and within minutes, that felt like hours, she calmed.  I continued to get her dressed as she babbled and cooed as if nothing ever happened. When the diaper change was complete, I gave her a gentle squeeze and let out one last sigh.  

However, I will not always have a soothed and babbling baby by slowing down when her feelings are intense. The only guarantee is that by keeping the calm, my daughter knows that I can handle her big feelings and keep her safe when she's disorganized.  

I don't need to fix her feelings, I just need to be her rock. 

For additional tips on how to help your child through difficult care routines check out...
Janet Lansbury; Diaper Change Disaster 

A lovely post about slowing down with toddlers...
Peaceful Parenting

Want Nothing and Gain Everything

I'm lying on the floor next to my 8-month daughter El, wanting nothing.  She's not propped to sit or stand, she's just lying on her back, assessing her environment.  I resist the urge to wave a book around, sing a song or roll a ball to grab her attention. Instead, I quietly watch.  


El picks up a metal bowl and taps her fingernails against it.  From past observations, I've learned she begins most explorations by taptap-tapping.  

She looks at me and smiles. I return the smile and say, "I hear the noise you're making." 


Magda Gerber would describe this scenario as Wants Nothing time. I learned about Wants Nothing time after reading her book, Your Self-Confident Baby. 

As a mother and early childhood educator, Wants Nothing time is an important, challenging and exciting part of my practice. By being fully present in mindful observation, I tune into my distractions and quiet the desire to sneak off and check social media for the umpteenth time to be with my daughter, without judgement or agenda.  

During this time, I put on baby goggles and see the wonder in the ordinary objects my child brings to life.  One afternoon, I observed El exploring a wax paper bag I had rinsed out and given to her for play.  I was delighted by the sunlight streaming in through the window, illuminating the water droplets and causing the bag to glow as she waved it around, crinkled it up, and held it close to her face to study. 

As I become proficient at just being, I realize how much is demanded from babies on a day-to-day basis from well-meaning adults who desire to engage and interact.

Grab the toy!  

Smile smile smile!  

 Clap your hands!

When babies become more verbal the quizzing starts...

What does a sheep say?  

What color is this?    

What letter is this?  

To truly know a child, habitual distractions and agendas need to be recognized and dissolved. 

 

         

In Magda's Words:

Wants Nothing time is a free flowing space in which the child does not have to perform...We fully accept the child's beingness just by our own receptive beingness.  We are telling the child that we are really there and aware.

To read more about Wants Nothing time, check out...

Choosing Wants Nothing Time; Choose your Own Journey

Emptying our Minds in Order to be More Present with Babies; Regarding Baby

Magda's Gift to Grown-ups; Janet Lansbury

Practice What You Promise

This post is an extension of, The Benefits of Allowing your Baby to Struggle.  Through observing my daughter, El, I discovered the feelings I projected onto her experiences were interrupting her play and process. The following promises emerged as a guide, so I can better support my daughter as she discovers her potential and navigates her world. 

Making promises is easy, keeping promises takes practice. 

Our playtime started in the usual manner; I laid El down on her back with a few simple toys scattered around her.

I promise to believe you are capable.

El ignored the toys that were closest to her and began to take interest in the one toy I placed at a challenging distance. In this case it was a bright yellow jar lid. She reached, reached, and reached some more. Straining her body and arching her back, she crossed her midline with both arms and legs until she almost flopped over on her belly. After her first attempt she stopped, looked at me, cried out and then paused. At this point I began to sweat.

I’m the one who put the jar lid so far away in the first place!

I can fix this!

It doesn’t have to be this way!

It’s my fault she’s struggling!

I promise to give you permission to fail.

But instead I did nothing. I acknowledged her frustrations and continued to observe. I watched in suspense as her fingers grazed the jar lid, pushing it further away.

How long should I allow this to go on?

I promise to accept you fully, as is.

Periodically she looked at me, red-faced and crying, and then suddenly turned back, focused on her chosen task. I learned my daughter is persistent.

 I promise to give you time to succeed. 

Then something happened. She switched strategies. She began pulling the blanket

the lid was sitting on. With a few gentle tugs, the lid moved closer. She picked it up, waved it around and smiled at me.

I smiled back and said, “You did it!”

Phew, she did it.

Anxiety was replaced with the calm of relief and we were both giddy with delight. There are times throughout every day I give into temptation and fall back into my old habits of avoiding the tough feelings that accompany struggle. However, when I swoop in and ensure success, the experience is never as satisfying, engaging or interesting for either of us.

I promise to TRUST your process.

Each time she plays, I have the opportunity to practice resisting the urge to fix, rescue and remedy, and in return I am reminded that the value is in the process, not the prize. 

Inspirations:

Don't Help this Baby, Janet Lansbury

Magda Gerber

Resources for Infant Educarors (RIE)

Meet that Milestone Today!

Milestones are anxiety provoking.  They exist for a reason but the time line is enough to make any parent sweat at their scheduled wellness check-ins.  I was relieved when I had a three month block between the 6month and 9month check-in, because El had not rolled over yet.  I knew we were going to need some time.  She still hasn't at 7months.  Don't worry, I Googled it, there is still hope.

Sometimes, when I'm having a rough day and I'm laying on the floor watching El play and she begins to roll to her side, and then looks as if she's about to tip over on her belly I think,

If you rolled over, that would make today so much better.

This is a strange thought coming from somebody who used to create and facilitate workshops that advocated for natural gross motor development.  I don't believe that tummy time and baby positioning contraptions make things happen any faster, that we can teach motor skills, and that it's healthy to push typically developing babies to meet milestones that only THEY can meet when they are ready.

So, repeat after me, or I should say, repeat after Magda Gerber...

"Earlier is not better!"

My rational brain KNOWS this is true.  I'm often perplexed when my feelings and behaviors don't align with what I know and believe in.  

When people ask me  how El is doing, I sometimes say, "She's so great.  She's not rolling over though."  I'm met with the response, "That's okay!  She'll get there! Every child is different." Again, I KNOW this.  I'm saddened that against my best intentions, I'm defining my child by her deficits and not her strengths.  This competitive mindset runs rampant through our educational system and it has no place in my home and in my relationships. 

Therefore, from now on, when you or anyone asks me about my daughter I will gladly tell you how she...

• brilliantly comes up with ways to get toys to come to her.
• runs her fingers gently through my hair without tugging.
• plays peek-a-boo with anything she can get her hands on.

     As for the rolling over milestone...?  

From a dance perspective, her fully integrated baby body breaks down even the most seemingly simple movements at a pace where I can appreciate the grace of her limbs as they move through space. What a gift.  

Whenever I feel the urge to compare my daughter to other children or Google, "When should my baby..."  I'm going to look my daughter in the eyes and say,

"Take your time baby girl and enjoy the ride." 

Resources

Feldenkrais Class; Baby Liv Rolling Over

Chicago Children's Museum; Born to Move (authored by Me!)

Janet Lansbury; Set Me Free

Magda Gerber