4 Lessons I've Learned from Toddler Testing

My 20 month old daughter, El, occasionally likes to draw with markers on the wall.  She looks back at me as her giggles erupt.   I say, "El, please do not draw on the wall, draw on the paper."  This makes her laugh even harder and in return, I laugh too because, well, she's 20 months old and there's nothing I love more than the sound of her laughter.  

I walk over, she hands me the marker, I clean off the wall (sometimes she helps) and we move on or do it all over again. 

Setting boundaries is not an area I'm particularly strong at.  Often her bold yet playful testing some how turns into a game (which ruins any chance of enforcing a limit).  But since I'm at the beginning stages of my boundary setting journey, I have already learned a few things that will hopefully carry me through the toddler years. 

Deciding which limit to set, isn't always easy. 

• Sometimes I find myself attempting to set a limit on something I think I should care about. This often leads to inconsistency. For example, the marker on the walls. After some reflection I realize, deep down inside, I actually don't care if she does this. She draws, I wipe, end of story.  

When my tone and face communicate I mean business, it only makes the inappropriate activity more interesting. 

• This one needs little explanation and I've tested this theory on more than one occasion, with more than one toddler.  

Mom's acting weird, let's do it again! 

Resorting to sternness, is just not me.

• El's best friend is 32 months and is in the prime limit-testing stage. For a while, I believed that my face and tone should convey that I am serious.  If she didn't listen, I said it again, direct, stern, and with an edge...on repeat.  I was embarrassed and surprised when my emotional state began to rise to an uncomfortable place.  I recently read Janet Lansbury's, 9 Best ways to Stay Unruffled with Toddlers article, which provided relief. 

Say it once (EXPECT them not to comply), give a choice, 

then follow through. 

Narrating what is happening on a developmental level, reminds me of the big picture. 

• If El insists on standing on the chair,  I say,  "I know you keep standing because you are curious to see if I'll respond in the same way."  By saying what I logically know, I maintain the perspective that El (and any other toddler that crosses my path) is going through a NORMAL, EXPLORATORY and HEALTHY phase in her development.  

El is looking to me for information, guidance and consistency as she actively seeks out ways that she is separate.  At 20 months old, it's pretty much her full-time job.   As a parent of a 20 month old, it is my job to be disciplined in the art of setting limits, so El can continue to confidently defy my wishes, make choices, and learn to collaborate and compromise with the world around her. 

Other helpful resources....

Don't Leave a Testing Toddler Hanging; Janet Lansbury 

Why Choosing Your Battles May Not be and Effective Parenting Strategy; Kelly Meier 

One day to get it right

My daughter, El, is almost 15 months old.  Since she was born, my husband and I rarely embark on family field trips.  Our family time is typically spent on the home front.  However, the couple of times we organized a family outing, there was an underlying sense of urgency to have a tremendous amount of fun.  One-day only events seem to carry their own unique stressors. 

Why? Well...

1. We paid a significant amount of money to be there and share a unique experience so it better damn well be magical!  
2. If the outing doesn't go smoothly then we may never leave the house again.
3. Where are the bathrooms? Where do we park? Where's a map?  Where are do we eat? 
4.  It's too easy to tune into the anxiety of other stressed-out parents and then silently judge them. 

It was the weekend of my birthday and a perfect autumn day.  I requested that we visit a local arboretum. I have visited the arboretum pre-baby and remembered the Children's Garden.  I imagined El crawling around the paths, climbing the stone stairs, splashing in water and freely exploring in nature as we observed with delight.  

After navigating the first stressor (see #3), we found the cafe, waited in a too-long of line for food, discovered that the tables with the perfect views were taken and then settled for just a nice view instead. 

We then headed straight for the Children's Garden.  El leaned over to be let down.  She began to crawl around near the entrance. People were filtering in, saying "Hi" to El and making comments like, "Watch out for that baby!"  We moved her to another location. The same thing happened. A parent said just loud enough for us to hear, "Someone is going to step on that baby."  

Determined to defy the norm and make this world a more baby-conscience place, I allowed her to continue to crawl wherever she pleased as I hovered closely over her for protection. My husband trailed behind grumbling about the crowds.  

Are we having fun yet? 

As I was being judged by other parents for allowing El to crawl around in precarious conditions, my inner critic was alive and well as I noticed parents pulling their children from one feature to another, downgrading their interests, and threatening them if they disobeyed. (See # 1, and #4). 

We were all a bunch of parents trying so hard to do it right and somehow getting it all wrong.  

My husband finally convinced me to leave the Children's Garden to sit under some trees.  I thought, while we were here, I'd capture some shots of El playing in nature.  As I got into position to shoot, my husband lifted her up onto his lap for a snack.  I crtictized, "I was just about to take a picture of her playing in nature!"  Then it dawned on me.  I had our experience mapped out before we even arrived.   

Outside of the bustling Children's Garden, we relaxed and noticed a stunning yellow tree. We decided to sit under it.  El began passing yellow leaves back and forth and tearing them into tiny, glowing pieces. Every so often she'd throw her head and both arms upwards.   

My husband picked her up so she could reach into the yellow mass of leaves and branches.  Her eyes bright and mouth grinning, all because of an up close encounter with an autumn tree.  

When I stopped chasing the illusive idyllic day in search of happiness, I looked to my family. And without fail, they helped me understand that the perfect day, is any day that we share together.   

Check out this great resource...

Hands Free Mama 

Chasing After Milestones

I am very much a mover.  With a background in both dance and early childhood development, I have written and presented workshops advocating for authentic movement experiences for infants and toddlers.  After having my daughter El, I was (and still am) excited to watch her gross motor development naturally unfold. 

But in all honesty, I wish it would unfold a little faster. 

In previous blog posts I've discussed, disclosed and processed my internal impatience with El's gross motor development.  At first it was the 'rolling over' milestone that made me nervous, now a week shy of turning the big 1, El is not crawling, pulling up to stand, and avoids putting weight on her legs.  

I am continually challenged to TRUST that she knows what she's doing.  So far, her process has proven to be nothing short of fascinating and it gets her there eventually. 

However, what still surprises me is the undercurrent of anticipation, anxiety and the twinge of isolation that accompanies not being 

perched on top of the developmental bell curve.  

When I openly acknowledge that I struggle to be confident in El's gross motor development, I am met with the response, "Every child is different! You can't compare!"  Unfortunately, it is human nature to compare and categorize.  I can't help but notice that at the park I am the only parent in our playgroup that still totes a blanket for El and I to camp out on.  As the other parents chase after their little movers, we are stationary like content little Buddhas. 

And then the overcompensation seeps in.  Last week I observed El as she stacked blocks. I Googled, "How old are children when they begin to stack blocks."  Baby Center said,  "18months."  

18 months!  

My baby is advanced at block stacking!  

That's why she's not crawling! She's too busy becoming a block stacking prodigy!

"Earlier is not better," said infant specialist Magda Gerber, but regrettably and with much guilt I admit, as a parent, earlier feels better. 

Despite my inner conflicts and insecurities, I remain committed to supporting El's natural gross motor development. 


When it comes to parenting, what I feel and what I know are often at odds.  But luckily, my brain routinely reminds my heart that her process is perfect and always will be.  

I'll someday reflect on our early days together and become overwhelmed with wonder and disbelief that El was once a small baby who loved nothing more than to cuddle on my lap, flip through book after book, and watch the world go by on a blanket in the front yard.  






Be sure to check out..

 Related posts 

The Benefits of Allowing Your Baby to Struggle

Practice What you Promise

Resources on natural gross motor development

Sitting Babies Up, the Down Side; Janet Lansbury 

Freedom of Movement and Self-Awareness; Ruth Ann Hammond 

The Testing Mom

I flipped over a newsletter I received from a popular Chicago parents organization.  On the back, was a full page advertisement with the headline;  

"Are you smarter than a 4-year-old?"  

Below were two multiple choice, fill-in-the-bubble questions with the tag line; 

"These are the types of questions your child will face on a Chicago Public School test."

Luckily the advertisement offers relief! TestingMom.com, contains 100 FREE questions so that anxiety ridden, well-meaning parents can, 

"Prepare your child for all of life's tests."

However, the Testing Mom mentality comes with a long list of sacrifices to children's overall health; socially, emotionally and cognitively, in addition to damaging relationships with their caregivers.  Therefore, like cigarettes and other products that are required to display warning labels, this website should not be exempt.  By pressuring children to prepare for future and mind numbing worksheets, children suffer the following consequences. 

1. Interrupted or deficit of play 
There is SCIENTIFIC evidence that play is the BEST way for children to learn and is CRITICAL for healthy development.  As children attempt to extract information through the free exploration of materials, meaningful play comes to an abrupt halt when a series of adult driven interrogations and demands are dispensed.   

Count the blocks! Name the shape! 
What does a pig say? What letter is this?

Luckily, infant specialist Magda Gerber, has offered this pearl of wisdom, 

"Be careful what you teach, it might interfere with what they are learning."

2. Conditioned self-worth:
If the child gets the answer right, an enthusiastic, "Good job! You're right!"  typically follows. If the child gets the answer wrong, they are quickly corrected and tested again.  Furthermore, through my experience, the pressure to perform increases when there is an audience.  

The result of the testing/correcting/testing again does not predict or promote academic advancement, but instead it ensures that the child is conditioned to define his success and self-worth by seeking out the 'right' answer for positive external validation. 



3. Wasted time:
Sometimes it is to my delight that a child answers the test question completely out of the ball park.  At a preschool I once observed at (children were ages 2-3), the teacher believed that the children were ready to memorize the months of the year.  During circle time, she overheard one child say the correct month when quizzed. She singled her out and asked her to repeat the answer louder for the class. 

Teacher: "Jessie, what month is it!?"  
Jessie: "PURPLE!"  

Why did Jessie respond with the answer purple?  It's because Jessie, at the age of two, has more important things to do with her time than to memorize the months of the year.  See #1


4. Closed questions = Closed minds:
Closed ended questions stunt conversation and cramp critical thinking skills.  Open-ended statements and questions such as, 

• What do you think? 
• What happens if...?
• Tell me about...

encourages young children to think deeply about their experiences and gives them an opportunity to express their unique perspective. When adults objectively listen with curiosity, children's thoughts and ideas are respected, validated and unveiled. 

5. Induced childhood amnesia:

While frantically taking advantage of all those TEACHABLE MOMENTS and opportunities to quiz and test, play memories of our own childhood are forgotten. These memories serve as a powerful reminder of the magic we experienced as young children.  



Now, remember favorite moments of your own childhood.  Take some time to relive favorite activities. Stick your fingers in paint, squish some play dough or feel the grass beneath your feet.  Rediscover and delight in the health benefits of idle time.  Oh, and burn those test questions.  



To avoid the harmful side-effects of the Testing Mom mentality, prepare children for life and unleash their potential, by fiercely protecting their right to a childhood. Have real conversations, real experiences and ask questions that matter to rediscover an innate sense of wonder and love of learning that is anything but standard.  



Resources

The Value of Unstructured Play Time for Kids

Time Goes By So Fast: Play Makes Meaningful Memories 

A Scholarly Response to ‘Tiger Mom’: Happiness Matters, Too

Will You Let Your Children Play? - Janet Lansbury

Alliance for Childhood

The Softer Side of Toddlers

Observing a toddler interact with a baby can be nerve racking. 
As a former playgroup facilitator for babies and toddlers, it was not unusual to hear well-intentioned parents issue warnings before their toddler had the opportunity to engage.

"Be gentle! Be nice!  Don't Touch!"

However, by avoiding premeditated and often imagined catastrophes, children are prevented from exploring relationships and building friendships.  

As young as three months, El adored her toddler friends.  At nine months she still watches them closely as they scurry around the room, always returning to squat down and study her. They present toys to her as if they were gifts without any incentive or directive to share.  And when toys are taken (if they can pry them from her tough little fingers), they are often replaced with another one. 

They stroke her head as she nurses, pat her tummy as she plays and occasionally she receives a gentle hug. What her older friends know about caregiving is illuminated when they engage with my daughter.  

Therefore, to help ease my parental anxieties when facilitating play amongst babies and toddlers, I keep these tips in mind. 

Consider proximity: Sit close enough to intervene but far back enough to provide a sense of comfort and autonomy. 

Narrate (aka sportscasting):  Help both children tune into their environment, their actions and each other, by objectively narrating their play as it unfolds. 

Listen: Provide moments of silence to allow the children to take the lead in communications. 

TRUST:  Refrain from the knee-jerk response to prematurely intervene. Unless it's an immediate safety concern, wait, wait and then wait some more.                                                                                             

I'm not claiming that baby and toddler social interactions are void of conflict and clumsiness.  However, despite the need to occasionally block a poke in the eye or a swat at the nose, the majority of interactions I have witnessed negate the stereotypical egocentric toddler and the fragile baby.  

By learning to control the impulse of always being on high alert, and providing the freedom to play despite developmental differences, I have witnessed children's amazing capacity for empathy, curiosity and the sophisticated ability to communicate through gestures, vocalizations and touch.

Related Topics:

When Babies Connect 

  

The Unqantifiable Benefits of Play

With the push for early academic success and the epidemic of developmentally inappropriate practices in today's schools, play is cut out of children's lives. Instruction time is added in place of recess for drilling, cramming, and memorizing so that a test can be passed, an award can be won, and a teacher can keep her job.  

"We have to get the children ready for (insert future grade level here_____)" is a phrase I hear too often in the field of education. In result, childhood's gift of living in the present is seized by the stress of living in the future. 

In an attempt to validate play and justify it's presence in the lives of children, we, as play advocates, are called to dissect and quantify to prove to parents, educators and politicians that it will ensure academic success. The message is clear, if it doesn't expedite emerging math, science and literacy skills, it's too risky to pursue. So, in the meantime the essence of play becomes lost in a sea of preschool, kindergarten, and college readiness.

YES, children learn math, science, and literacy skills best through play, but more importantly, the real magic of play is about educating the heart. 


Play educates the heart by...

• providing an outlet for emotional release and understanding. 

• allowing children to imagine the perspective of others (just a little thing called EMPATHY).

• building community.

• creating feelings of joy (we want our children to be happy right?)

It is my dream, that one day, nurturing the human spirit and educating the heart becomes a core priority in our schools. 

When I watch my daughter play,  I'm not worried if the time spent playing will ensure that she counts by preschool or reads in Kindergarten. But instead, I trust that play is doing more important work by helping her become a resilient, loving, and joyful person, thus opening her mind, body and soul for a deeper kind of learning. Learning so deep, it exists on a cellular level and refuses to be quantified.  

We are never more 
fully alive, more completely ourselves, or more deeply engrossed in anything than when we are playing."

-Charles Schafer

More on this topic...

The New Deficiency Formally Known as Childhood

Want to get your kids into college?  Let them play.

Crisis in the Kindergarten: Why Children Need to Play in School

Free Play: Creating low-cost play environments for babies and toddlers

Originally published in NPN/Neighborhood Parents Network's newsletter Parent to Parent, Vol. 34, No. 2, 2014.

With the help of Pinterest, fanciful playrooms for young children across America have taken center stage.  However, through my education and work, I’ve learned that I don’t need to have the perfect color scheme or designer furniture to create an inspiring place to play!  I’ve found that these simple steps are all that it takes to create a safe and engaging space that any child can freely explore, without spending a dime.

Materials: Score!  I already have the perfect play materials in my house!   Children love exploring real life, everyday materials.  I may find a Tupperware lid boring, but my baby can’t wait to get her hands on it.  When scavenging for materials, SAFETY FIRST.

I discovered that these household items are perfect for play!

           

   Lids (pan, pasta and salsa lids are shiny!) - Measuring spoons and cups - coffee canisters - tea towels - plastic soda bottles - bowls - wooden spoons - muffin tins - silicon cupcake liners – tupperware containers.   

Tip:  I like to collect and display items in multiples to add an extra ‘wow’ factor.

Get Organized:

Since I don’t keep all my belongings in one box, why would I expect my baby to?  Little ones need an organized space so that they can get to work without feeling overwhelmed.  Instead of a toy chest, I prefer open shelving that neatly displays materials.  I enjoy organizing the materials by shape, color, or type in fun baskets or containers.  Everyday objects always look more intriguing in a pretty container so am I frequently scouring area thrift stores. 

I know that babies and toddlers like to put stuff in and out of other stuff, so I pair materials with this in mind.  Here are some examples:

• Muffin tins and rocks
• Coffee canisters and balls
• Plastic soda bottles and popsicle sticks.

Simplify:

Less is more!  I frequently rotate materials to keep my play areas fresh and uncluttered.  Children focus better when there are less options and an open floor space. 

Use ordinary objects in extraordinary ways:

The toddlers I’ve worked with love little surprises.  For example, hanging wind chimes in arms reach.  Other fun tricks that inspire play are adding colored water or rice to a soda bottle (secure the lid) or stuffing scarves in an empty Kleenex box. It’s fun to tap into my inner baby and see objects for the first time.  The possibilities for play are truly endless.

Make it a YES environment:

Since I don’t want children playing in the potting soil, I cover the base with cardboard.  If I don’t want something to go in the mouth, it doesn’t belong in the play space.  Get the idea?

I love that I don’t need a large space or big budget for play.  By following these simple steps, I am able to sit back and enjoy observing my baby as she brings the materials and environment to life!

Resources:

Creative Toys to Engage Babies; Janet Lansbury

http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/12/creative-toys-engage-babies/

Simple Toys Make Things Happen; Nicole Vigliotti

http://mmpschool.com/tag/materials/

Want Nothing and Gain Everything

I'm lying on the floor next to my 8-month daughter El, wanting nothing.  She's not propped to sit or stand, she's just lying on her back, assessing her environment.  I resist the urge to wave a book around, sing a song or roll a ball to grab her attention. Instead, I quietly watch.  


El picks up a metal bowl and taps her fingernails against it.  From past observations, I've learned she begins most explorations by taptap-tapping.  

She looks at me and smiles. I return the smile and say, "I hear the noise you're making." 


Magda Gerber would describe this scenario as Wants Nothing time. I learned about Wants Nothing time after reading her book, Your Self-Confident Baby. 

As a mother and early childhood educator, Wants Nothing time is an important, challenging and exciting part of my practice. By being fully present in mindful observation, I tune into my distractions and quiet the desire to sneak off and check social media for the umpteenth time to be with my daughter, without judgement or agenda.  

During this time, I put on baby goggles and see the wonder in the ordinary objects my child brings to life.  One afternoon, I observed El exploring a wax paper bag I had rinsed out and given to her for play.  I was delighted by the sunlight streaming in through the window, illuminating the water droplets and causing the bag to glow as she waved it around, crinkled it up, and held it close to her face to study. 

As I become proficient at just being, I realize how much is demanded from babies on a day-to-day basis from well-meaning adults who desire to engage and interact.

Grab the toy!  

Smile smile smile!  

 Clap your hands!

When babies become more verbal the quizzing starts...

What does a sheep say?  

What color is this?    

What letter is this?  

To truly know a child, habitual distractions and agendas need to be recognized and dissolved. 

 

         

In Magda's Words:

Wants Nothing time is a free flowing space in which the child does not have to perform...We fully accept the child's beingness just by our own receptive beingness.  We are telling the child that we are really there and aware.

To read more about Wants Nothing time, check out...

Choosing Wants Nothing Time; Choose your Own Journey

Emptying our Minds in Order to be More Present with Babies; Regarding Baby

Magda's Gift to Grown-ups; Janet Lansbury

Practice What You Promise

This post is an extension of, The Benefits of Allowing your Baby to Struggle.  Through observing my daughter, El, I discovered the feelings I projected onto her experiences were interrupting her play and process. The following promises emerged as a guide, so I can better support my daughter as she discovers her potential and navigates her world. 

Making promises is easy, keeping promises takes practice. 

Our playtime started in the usual manner; I laid El down on her back with a few simple toys scattered around her.

I promise to believe you are capable.

El ignored the toys that were closest to her and began to take interest in the one toy I placed at a challenging distance. In this case it was a bright yellow jar lid. She reached, reached, and reached some more. Straining her body and arching her back, she crossed her midline with both arms and legs until she almost flopped over on her belly. After her first attempt she stopped, looked at me, cried out and then paused. At this point I began to sweat.

I’m the one who put the jar lid so far away in the first place!

I can fix this!

It doesn’t have to be this way!

It’s my fault she’s struggling!

I promise to give you permission to fail.

But instead I did nothing. I acknowledged her frustrations and continued to observe. I watched in suspense as her fingers grazed the jar lid, pushing it further away.

How long should I allow this to go on?

I promise to accept you fully, as is.

Periodically she looked at me, red-faced and crying, and then suddenly turned back, focused on her chosen task. I learned my daughter is persistent.

 I promise to give you time to succeed. 

Then something happened. She switched strategies. She began pulling the blanket

the lid was sitting on. With a few gentle tugs, the lid moved closer. She picked it up, waved it around and smiled at me.

I smiled back and said, “You did it!”

Phew, she did it.

Anxiety was replaced with the calm of relief and we were both giddy with delight. There are times throughout every day I give into temptation and fall back into my old habits of avoiding the tough feelings that accompany struggle. However, when I swoop in and ensure success, the experience is never as satisfying, engaging or interesting for either of us.

I promise to TRUST your process.

Each time she plays, I have the opportunity to practice resisting the urge to fix, rescue and remedy, and in return I am reminded that the value is in the process, not the prize. 

Inspirations:

Don't Help this Baby, Janet Lansbury

Magda Gerber

Resources for Infant Educarors (RIE)

Hand in Play

Everyday I spend with my daughter, I am compelled to write down what she teaches me about myself and the world around her as I get to know her through play. Even when she is playing independently, I have my hand in play, which requires a level of mindfulness that I am attempting to hone and cultivate.

To not judge, interrupt, or manipulate her experiences is much harder than I anticipated.

As an early childhood educator and a stay-at-home mom, I notice reoccurring themes that emerge through the day-to-day interactions with my daughter, peers, and young children, both in the classroom and at home.  

Themes such as acceptance, trust, patience and resilience surface and resurface when I am observing play. Once identified and recorded on paper, I move forward as a better person, teacher, spouse, and mother.

The more I write, the more I realize, the more I realize the more I am called to practice what I preach. 

With a renewed sense of purpose, I join the ranks of mommy blogging in hopes to reach out to parents, teachers, and caregivers to advocate for reflective practices and to provide time and space for play, so that together we begin to make sense of it all.

Note:  Even though I am not committed to any one parenting or teaching philosophy, my work is largely inspired  and influenced by RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers), founded by infant specialist Magda Gerber.