4 Lessons I've Learned from Toddler Testing

My 20 month old daughter, El, occasionally likes to draw with markers on the wall.  She looks back at me as her giggles erupt.   I say, "El, please do not draw on the wall, draw on the paper."  This makes her laugh even harder and in return, I laugh too because, well, she's 20 months old and there's nothing I love more than the sound of her laughter.  

I walk over, she hands me the marker, I clean off the wall (sometimes she helps) and we move on or do it all over again. 

Setting boundaries is not an area I'm particularly strong at.  Often her bold yet playful testing some how turns into a game (which ruins any chance of enforcing a limit).  But since I'm at the beginning stages of my boundary setting journey, I have already learned a few things that will hopefully carry me through the toddler years. 

Deciding which limit to set, isn't always easy. 

• Sometimes I find myself attempting to set a limit on something I think I should care about. This often leads to inconsistency. For example, the marker on the walls. After some reflection I realize, deep down inside, I actually don't care if she does this. She draws, I wipe, end of story.  

When my tone and face communicate I mean business, it only makes the inappropriate activity more interesting. 

• This one needs little explanation and I've tested this theory on more than one occasion, with more than one toddler.  

Mom's acting weird, let's do it again! 

Resorting to sternness, is just not me.

• El's best friend is 32 months and is in the prime limit-testing stage. For a while, I believed that my face and tone should convey that I am serious.  If she didn't listen, I said it again, direct, stern, and with an edge...on repeat.  I was embarrassed and surprised when my emotional state began to rise to an uncomfortable place.  I recently read Janet Lansbury's, 9 Best ways to Stay Unruffled with Toddlers article, which provided relief. 

Say it once (EXPECT them not to comply), give a choice, 

then follow through. 

Narrating what is happening on a developmental level, reminds me of the big picture. 

• If El insists on standing on the chair,  I say,  "I know you keep standing because you are curious to see if I'll respond in the same way."  By saying what I logically know, I maintain the perspective that El (and any other toddler that crosses my path) is going through a NORMAL, EXPLORATORY and HEALTHY phase in her development.  

El is looking to me for information, guidance and consistency as she actively seeks out ways that she is separate.  At 20 months old, it's pretty much her full-time job.   As a parent of a 20 month old, it is my job to be disciplined in the art of setting limits, so El can continue to confidently defy my wishes, make choices, and learn to collaborate and compromise with the world around her. 

Other helpful resources....

Don't Leave a Testing Toddler Hanging; Janet Lansbury 

Why Choosing Your Battles May Not be and Effective Parenting Strategy; Kelly Meier 

Reasons to Love the Big "NO"

The word NO is a word that some parents dread their little ones learning.  People have warned me, "Just wait until she starts saying NO!"  I've even heard stories of parents avoiding the word all together in hopes that their child wouldn't learn to say it or use it.

But in the end...

NO is inevitable.  

NO is going to happen.

And there's NO way around it. 

NO is a powerful word. The first impulse might be to stop this inconvenient and threatening word as soon as passes through a toddlers lips ("Don't you say NO to me!"). Hearing NO from a small child can potentially bring on feelings of vulnerability, inadequacy or loss of power.

However, when my daughter El learned to say NO, I was surprised that our relationship transformed for the better.  With this powerful, 2-letter word, she holds me accountable to my parenting ideals and reminds me that she deserves clarity and consistency. 


Just by uttering the word NO she can say...

• Tell me what's happening now.
• Tell me what's happening next.
• Slow down.
• Let me try first. 
• I'm frustrated.
• Don't touch me. 
• Show me you understand.
• I wanted that.  
• Give me a choice. 
• Set a limit. 

It's hard to hide my smile and pride as she asserts her independence, challenges authority, asks questions, tries and tries again and demands respect.  NO has brought out these bold and beautiful qualities in my daughter.  Therefore, even though this word may be inconvenient to hear at times, I wouldn't trade them for the ease of a million Yes's.  

Related Resources...
What to do When Toddlers Say NO; Janet Lansbury 

One day to get it right

My daughter, El, is almost 15 months old.  Since she was born, my husband and I rarely embark on family field trips.  Our family time is typically spent on the home front.  However, the couple of times we organized a family outing, there was an underlying sense of urgency to have a tremendous amount of fun.  One-day only events seem to carry their own unique stressors. 

Why? Well...

1. We paid a significant amount of money to be there and share a unique experience so it better damn well be magical!  
2. If the outing doesn't go smoothly then we may never leave the house again.
3. Where are the bathrooms? Where do we park? Where's a map?  Where are do we eat? 
4.  It's too easy to tune into the anxiety of other stressed-out parents and then silently judge them. 

It was the weekend of my birthday and a perfect autumn day.  I requested that we visit a local arboretum. I have visited the arboretum pre-baby and remembered the Children's Garden.  I imagined El crawling around the paths, climbing the stone stairs, splashing in water and freely exploring in nature as we observed with delight.  

After navigating the first stressor (see #3), we found the cafe, waited in a too-long of line for food, discovered that the tables with the perfect views were taken and then settled for just a nice view instead. 

We then headed straight for the Children's Garden.  El leaned over to be let down.  She began to crawl around near the entrance. People were filtering in, saying "Hi" to El and making comments like, "Watch out for that baby!"  We moved her to another location. The same thing happened. A parent said just loud enough for us to hear, "Someone is going to step on that baby."  

Determined to defy the norm and make this world a more baby-conscience place, I allowed her to continue to crawl wherever she pleased as I hovered closely over her for protection. My husband trailed behind grumbling about the crowds.  

Are we having fun yet? 

As I was being judged by other parents for allowing El to crawl around in precarious conditions, my inner critic was alive and well as I noticed parents pulling their children from one feature to another, downgrading their interests, and threatening them if they disobeyed. (See # 1, and #4). 

We were all a bunch of parents trying so hard to do it right and somehow getting it all wrong.  

My husband finally convinced me to leave the Children's Garden to sit under some trees.  I thought, while we were here, I'd capture some shots of El playing in nature.  As I got into position to shoot, my husband lifted her up onto his lap for a snack.  I crtictized, "I was just about to take a picture of her playing in nature!"  Then it dawned on me.  I had our experience mapped out before we even arrived.   

Outside of the bustling Children's Garden, we relaxed and noticed a stunning yellow tree. We decided to sit under it.  El began passing yellow leaves back and forth and tearing them into tiny, glowing pieces. Every so often she'd throw her head and both arms upwards.   

My husband picked her up so she could reach into the yellow mass of leaves and branches.  Her eyes bright and mouth grinning, all because of an up close encounter with an autumn tree.  

When I stopped chasing the illusive idyllic day in search of happiness, I looked to my family. And without fail, they helped me understand that the perfect day, is any day that we share together.   

Check out this great resource...

Hands Free Mama 

Chasing After Milestones

I am very much a mover.  With a background in both dance and early childhood development, I have written and presented workshops advocating for authentic movement experiences for infants and toddlers.  After having my daughter El, I was (and still am) excited to watch her gross motor development naturally unfold. 

But in all honesty, I wish it would unfold a little faster. 

In previous blog posts I've discussed, disclosed and processed my internal impatience with El's gross motor development.  At first it was the 'rolling over' milestone that made me nervous, now a week shy of turning the big 1, El is not crawling, pulling up to stand, and avoids putting weight on her legs.  

I am continually challenged to TRUST that she knows what she's doing.  So far, her process has proven to be nothing short of fascinating and it gets her there eventually. 

However, what still surprises me is the undercurrent of anticipation, anxiety and the twinge of isolation that accompanies not being 

perched on top of the developmental bell curve.  

When I openly acknowledge that I struggle to be confident in El's gross motor development, I am met with the response, "Every child is different! You can't compare!"  Unfortunately, it is human nature to compare and categorize.  I can't help but notice that at the park I am the only parent in our playgroup that still totes a blanket for El and I to camp out on.  As the other parents chase after their little movers, we are stationary like content little Buddhas. 

And then the overcompensation seeps in.  Last week I observed El as she stacked blocks. I Googled, "How old are children when they begin to stack blocks."  Baby Center said,  "18months."  

18 months!  

My baby is advanced at block stacking!  

That's why she's not crawling! She's too busy becoming a block stacking prodigy!

"Earlier is not better," said infant specialist Magda Gerber, but regrettably and with much guilt I admit, as a parent, earlier feels better. 

Despite my inner conflicts and insecurities, I remain committed to supporting El's natural gross motor development. 


When it comes to parenting, what I feel and what I know are often at odds.  But luckily, my brain routinely reminds my heart that her process is perfect and always will be.  

I'll someday reflect on our early days together and become overwhelmed with wonder and disbelief that El was once a small baby who loved nothing more than to cuddle on my lap, flip through book after book, and watch the world go by on a blanket in the front yard.  






Be sure to check out..

 Related posts 

The Benefits of Allowing Your Baby to Struggle

Practice What you Promise

Resources on natural gross motor development

Sitting Babies Up, the Down Side; Janet Lansbury 

Freedom of Movement and Self-Awareness; Ruth Ann Hammond 

Smile for the Stranger

I always feel uncomfortable when parents ask their children to smile, sing or dance for me.  The child RARELY complies and quickly retreats.  If I see that they are uncomfortable and the pressure doesn't stop, I say, "You don't have to sing that song, I don't mind." 

Pressuring or requesting children to perform for the approval of others is one way that babies and young children are objectified. 

When my daughter, El, was only three-months-old, we went to visit a friend. Before I knew what was happening I said, "Can you smile for Julie?"  I needed her to witness how incredible my smiling baby was!  When El did not smile, she replied, "It's okay, I saw her smile already."  

Guilty as charged. 

When she began doing this adorable head-swaying-dancey-bob- thing, I found myself singing crazily, trying to get her to dance for our guests and family.  I commanded her to shake shake shake and clap clap clap to encourage her to show-off all the fun things she does in the comfort of her own home.  It was as if I was trying to sell her.

The desire for other people to see my daughter as likable and charming is stronger than I could ever imagine. 

When El encounters casual acquaintances or new people, her instinct isn't to smile and engage, but to stare with a neutral expression or even sport a frown for extended periods of time. 





She contemplates and assesses the situation through intense observation.  She hardly moves.  If she anticipates that her personal space is about to be invaded, she spontaneously breaks down in tears. Her first impression won't win any adoring fans.






However, by releasing the pressure to seek approval and please an audience,  the risk of future anxieties, personal insecurities and feelings of inadequacy may be lessened.   

Through continual reflection, I am working on letting go of the expectations I put on my daughter during social encounters.  Her suspicious, observant tendencies are a part of her, and worth getting to know, just as much as her smiley, playful side.  

Instead of pressuring, prompting and acting like a nut to get her to perform, I now strive to support authentic and responsive interactions with family, friends and acquaintances, so that El is empowered to open-up on her own terms and choose who she invites into her world.  
   


Related Resources:

The Approval Trap

Raising Less Stressed Kids; Janet Lansbury 

5 Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job;" Alfie Kohn








  

The Testing Mom

I flipped over a newsletter I received from a popular Chicago parents organization.  On the back, was a full page advertisement with the headline;  

"Are you smarter than a 4-year-old?"  

Below were two multiple choice, fill-in-the-bubble questions with the tag line; 

"These are the types of questions your child will face on a Chicago Public School test."

Luckily the advertisement offers relief! TestingMom.com, contains 100 FREE questions so that anxiety ridden, well-meaning parents can, 

"Prepare your child for all of life's tests."

However, the Testing Mom mentality comes with a long list of sacrifices to children's overall health; socially, emotionally and cognitively, in addition to damaging relationships with their caregivers.  Therefore, like cigarettes and other products that are required to display warning labels, this website should not be exempt.  By pressuring children to prepare for future and mind numbing worksheets, children suffer the following consequences. 

1. Interrupted or deficit of play 
There is SCIENTIFIC evidence that play is the BEST way for children to learn and is CRITICAL for healthy development.  As children attempt to extract information through the free exploration of materials, meaningful play comes to an abrupt halt when a series of adult driven interrogations and demands are dispensed.   

Count the blocks! Name the shape! 
What does a pig say? What letter is this?

Luckily, infant specialist Magda Gerber, has offered this pearl of wisdom, 

"Be careful what you teach, it might interfere with what they are learning."

2. Conditioned self-worth:
If the child gets the answer right, an enthusiastic, "Good job! You're right!"  typically follows. If the child gets the answer wrong, they are quickly corrected and tested again.  Furthermore, through my experience, the pressure to perform increases when there is an audience.  

The result of the testing/correcting/testing again does not predict or promote academic advancement, but instead it ensures that the child is conditioned to define his success and self-worth by seeking out the 'right' answer for positive external validation. 



3. Wasted time:
Sometimes it is to my delight that a child answers the test question completely out of the ball park.  At a preschool I once observed at (children were ages 2-3), the teacher believed that the children were ready to memorize the months of the year.  During circle time, she overheard one child say the correct month when quizzed. She singled her out and asked her to repeat the answer louder for the class. 

Teacher: "Jessie, what month is it!?"  
Jessie: "PURPLE!"  

Why did Jessie respond with the answer purple?  It's because Jessie, at the age of two, has more important things to do with her time than to memorize the months of the year.  See #1


4. Closed questions = Closed minds:
Closed ended questions stunt conversation and cramp critical thinking skills.  Open-ended statements and questions such as, 

• What do you think? 
• What happens if...?
• Tell me about...

encourages young children to think deeply about their experiences and gives them an opportunity to express their unique perspective. When adults objectively listen with curiosity, children's thoughts and ideas are respected, validated and unveiled. 

5. Induced childhood amnesia:

While frantically taking advantage of all those TEACHABLE MOMENTS and opportunities to quiz and test, play memories of our own childhood are forgotten. These memories serve as a powerful reminder of the magic we experienced as young children.  



Now, remember favorite moments of your own childhood.  Take some time to relive favorite activities. Stick your fingers in paint, squish some play dough or feel the grass beneath your feet.  Rediscover and delight in the health benefits of idle time.  Oh, and burn those test questions.  



To avoid the harmful side-effects of the Testing Mom mentality, prepare children for life and unleash their potential, by fiercely protecting their right to a childhood. Have real conversations, real experiences and ask questions that matter to rediscover an innate sense of wonder and love of learning that is anything but standard.  



Resources

The Value of Unstructured Play Time for Kids

Time Goes By So Fast: Play Makes Meaningful Memories 

A Scholarly Response to ‘Tiger Mom’: Happiness Matters, Too

Will You Let Your Children Play? - Janet Lansbury

Alliance for Childhood

The Softer Side of Toddlers

Observing a toddler interact with a baby can be nerve racking. 
As a former playgroup facilitator for babies and toddlers, it was not unusual to hear well-intentioned parents issue warnings before their toddler had the opportunity to engage.

"Be gentle! Be nice!  Don't Touch!"

However, by avoiding premeditated and often imagined catastrophes, children are prevented from exploring relationships and building friendships.  

As young as three months, El adored her toddler friends.  At nine months she still watches them closely as they scurry around the room, always returning to squat down and study her. They present toys to her as if they were gifts without any incentive or directive to share.  And when toys are taken (if they can pry them from her tough little fingers), they are often replaced with another one. 

They stroke her head as she nurses, pat her tummy as she plays and occasionally she receives a gentle hug. What her older friends know about caregiving is illuminated when they engage with my daughter.  

Therefore, to help ease my parental anxieties when facilitating play amongst babies and toddlers, I keep these tips in mind. 

Consider proximity: Sit close enough to intervene but far back enough to provide a sense of comfort and autonomy. 

Narrate (aka sportscasting):  Help both children tune into their environment, their actions and each other, by objectively narrating their play as it unfolds. 

Listen: Provide moments of silence to allow the children to take the lead in communications. 

TRUST:  Refrain from the knee-jerk response to prematurely intervene. Unless it's an immediate safety concern, wait, wait and then wait some more.                                                                                             

I'm not claiming that baby and toddler social interactions are void of conflict and clumsiness.  However, despite the need to occasionally block a poke in the eye or a swat at the nose, the majority of interactions I have witnessed negate the stereotypical egocentric toddler and the fragile baby.  

By learning to control the impulse of always being on high alert, and providing the freedom to play despite developmental differences, I have witnessed children's amazing capacity for empathy, curiosity and the sophisticated ability to communicate through gestures, vocalizations and touch.

Related Topics:

When Babies Connect 

  

Free Play: Creating low-cost play environments for babies and toddlers

Originally published in NPN/Neighborhood Parents Network's newsletter Parent to Parent, Vol. 34, No. 2, 2014.

With the help of Pinterest, fanciful playrooms for young children across America have taken center stage.  However, through my education and work, I’ve learned that I don’t need to have the perfect color scheme or designer furniture to create an inspiring place to play!  I’ve found that these simple steps are all that it takes to create a safe and engaging space that any child can freely explore, without spending a dime.

Materials: Score!  I already have the perfect play materials in my house!   Children love exploring real life, everyday materials.  I may find a Tupperware lid boring, but my baby can’t wait to get her hands on it.  When scavenging for materials, SAFETY FIRST.

I discovered that these household items are perfect for play!

           

   Lids (pan, pasta and salsa lids are shiny!) - Measuring spoons and cups - coffee canisters - tea towels - plastic soda bottles - bowls - wooden spoons - muffin tins - silicon cupcake liners – tupperware containers.   

Tip:  I like to collect and display items in multiples to add an extra ‘wow’ factor.

Get Organized:

Since I don’t keep all my belongings in one box, why would I expect my baby to?  Little ones need an organized space so that they can get to work without feeling overwhelmed.  Instead of a toy chest, I prefer open shelving that neatly displays materials.  I enjoy organizing the materials by shape, color, or type in fun baskets or containers.  Everyday objects always look more intriguing in a pretty container so am I frequently scouring area thrift stores. 

I know that babies and toddlers like to put stuff in and out of other stuff, so I pair materials with this in mind.  Here are some examples:

• Muffin tins and rocks
• Coffee canisters and balls
• Plastic soda bottles and popsicle sticks.

Simplify:

Less is more!  I frequently rotate materials to keep my play areas fresh and uncluttered.  Children focus better when there are less options and an open floor space. 

Use ordinary objects in extraordinary ways:

The toddlers I’ve worked with love little surprises.  For example, hanging wind chimes in arms reach.  Other fun tricks that inspire play are adding colored water or rice to a soda bottle (secure the lid) or stuffing scarves in an empty Kleenex box. It’s fun to tap into my inner baby and see objects for the first time.  The possibilities for play are truly endless.

Make it a YES environment:

Since I don’t want children playing in the potting soil, I cover the base with cardboard.  If I don’t want something to go in the mouth, it doesn’t belong in the play space.  Get the idea?

I love that I don’t need a large space or big budget for play.  By following these simple steps, I am able to sit back and enjoy observing my baby as she brings the materials and environment to life!

Resources:

Creative Toys to Engage Babies; Janet Lansbury

http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/12/creative-toys-engage-babies/

Simple Toys Make Things Happen; Nicole Vigliotti

http://mmpschool.com/tag/materials/

Want Nothing and Gain Everything

I'm lying on the floor next to my 8-month daughter El, wanting nothing.  She's not propped to sit or stand, she's just lying on her back, assessing her environment.  I resist the urge to wave a book around, sing a song or roll a ball to grab her attention. Instead, I quietly watch.  


El picks up a metal bowl and taps her fingernails against it.  From past observations, I've learned she begins most explorations by taptap-tapping.  

She looks at me and smiles. I return the smile and say, "I hear the noise you're making." 


Magda Gerber would describe this scenario as Wants Nothing time. I learned about Wants Nothing time after reading her book, Your Self-Confident Baby. 

As a mother and early childhood educator, Wants Nothing time is an important, challenging and exciting part of my practice. By being fully present in mindful observation, I tune into my distractions and quiet the desire to sneak off and check social media for the umpteenth time to be with my daughter, without judgement or agenda.  

During this time, I put on baby goggles and see the wonder in the ordinary objects my child brings to life.  One afternoon, I observed El exploring a wax paper bag I had rinsed out and given to her for play.  I was delighted by the sunlight streaming in through the window, illuminating the water droplets and causing the bag to glow as she waved it around, crinkled it up, and held it close to her face to study. 

As I become proficient at just being, I realize how much is demanded from babies on a day-to-day basis from well-meaning adults who desire to engage and interact.

Grab the toy!  

Smile smile smile!  

 Clap your hands!

When babies become more verbal the quizzing starts...

What does a sheep say?  

What color is this?    

What letter is this?  

To truly know a child, habitual distractions and agendas need to be recognized and dissolved. 

 

         

In Magda's Words:

Wants Nothing time is a free flowing space in which the child does not have to perform...We fully accept the child's beingness just by our own receptive beingness.  We are telling the child that we are really there and aware.

To read more about Wants Nothing time, check out...

Choosing Wants Nothing Time; Choose your Own Journey

Emptying our Minds in Order to be More Present with Babies; Regarding Baby

Magda's Gift to Grown-ups; Janet Lansbury

Practice What You Promise

This post is an extension of, The Benefits of Allowing your Baby to Struggle.  Through observing my daughter, El, I discovered the feelings I projected onto her experiences were interrupting her play and process. The following promises emerged as a guide, so I can better support my daughter as she discovers her potential and navigates her world. 

Making promises is easy, keeping promises takes practice. 

Our playtime started in the usual manner; I laid El down on her back with a few simple toys scattered around her.

I promise to believe you are capable.

El ignored the toys that were closest to her and began to take interest in the one toy I placed at a challenging distance. In this case it was a bright yellow jar lid. She reached, reached, and reached some more. Straining her body and arching her back, she crossed her midline with both arms and legs until she almost flopped over on her belly. After her first attempt she stopped, looked at me, cried out and then paused. At this point I began to sweat.

I’m the one who put the jar lid so far away in the first place!

I can fix this!

It doesn’t have to be this way!

It’s my fault she’s struggling!

I promise to give you permission to fail.

But instead I did nothing. I acknowledged her frustrations and continued to observe. I watched in suspense as her fingers grazed the jar lid, pushing it further away.

How long should I allow this to go on?

I promise to accept you fully, as is.

Periodically she looked at me, red-faced and crying, and then suddenly turned back, focused on her chosen task. I learned my daughter is persistent.

 I promise to give you time to succeed. 

Then something happened. She switched strategies. She began pulling the blanket

the lid was sitting on. With a few gentle tugs, the lid moved closer. She picked it up, waved it around and smiled at me.

I smiled back and said, “You did it!”

Phew, she did it.

Anxiety was replaced with the calm of relief and we were both giddy with delight. There are times throughout every day I give into temptation and fall back into my old habits of avoiding the tough feelings that accompany struggle. However, when I swoop in and ensure success, the experience is never as satisfying, engaging or interesting for either of us.

I promise to TRUST your process.

Each time she plays, I have the opportunity to practice resisting the urge to fix, rescue and remedy, and in return I am reminded that the value is in the process, not the prize. 

Inspirations:

Don't Help this Baby, Janet Lansbury

Magda Gerber

Resources for Infant Educarors (RIE)

When Babies Connect (video!)

There are moments when I'm astounded by the sensitivity of babies. Babies carry a reputation for toy taking, hair pulling, and being spatially unaware of their surroundings and each other. As caregivers, we often have a 'no touching' rule when it comes to interacting with other children.  The fear of safety, spreading germs, and unpredictable impulsive behaviors keeps babies from communicating, exploring and showing affection the best way they know how, through touch.

This tender video illustrates that babies are much more complex and dynamic in nature, then they are given credit for.

Hand in Play now has a Hand in Play Facebook Page