The Softer Side of Toddlers

Observing a toddler interact with a baby can be nerve racking. 
As a former playgroup facilitator for babies and toddlers, it was not unusual to hear well-intentioned parents issue warnings before their toddler had the opportunity to engage.

"Be gentle! Be nice!  Don't Touch!"

However, by avoiding premeditated and often imagined catastrophes, children are prevented from exploring relationships and building friendships.  

As young as three months, El adored her toddler friends.  At nine months she still watches them closely as they scurry around the room, always returning to squat down and study her. They present toys to her as if they were gifts without any incentive or directive to share.  And when toys are taken (if they can pry them from her tough little fingers), they are often replaced with another one. 

They stroke her head as she nurses, pat her tummy as she plays and occasionally she receives a gentle hug. What her older friends know about caregiving is illuminated when they engage with my daughter.  

Therefore, to help ease my parental anxieties when facilitating play amongst babies and toddlers, I keep these tips in mind. 

Consider proximity: Sit close enough to intervene but far back enough to provide a sense of comfort and autonomy. 

Narrate (aka sportscasting):  Help both children tune into their environment, their actions and each other, by objectively narrating their play as it unfolds. 

Listen: Provide moments of silence to allow the children to take the lead in communications. 

TRUST:  Refrain from the knee-jerk response to prematurely intervene. Unless it's an immediate safety concern, wait, wait and then wait some more.                                                                                             

I'm not claiming that baby and toddler social interactions are void of conflict and clumsiness.  However, despite the need to occasionally block a poke in the eye or a swat at the nose, the majority of interactions I have witnessed negate the stereotypical egocentric toddler and the fragile baby.  

By learning to control the impulse of always being on high alert, and providing the freedom to play despite developmental differences, I have witnessed children's amazing capacity for empathy, curiosity and the sophisticated ability to communicate through gestures, vocalizations and touch.

Related Topics:

When Babies Connect 

  

Babies Gone Wild

My baby is screaming and thrashing about during a diaper change. The snot sucker is her worst enemy.  The bath to changing table transition can be far from pleasant.  Wiping her face and hands provokes a burst of complaints. 

I resist the instinctive urge to....

distract her and go super duper fast!

When our children's feelings are intense or they are exercising their right to protest, it's natural to look for strategies that abolish the behavior once and for all.  Parents often ask, "How do I FIX this!" However, when I stopped looking for a...

• quick fix  
• method to follow
• or 100% success rate 

I freed myself from the burden of finding the ultimate solution and eradicating uncomfortable feelings.   

When this topic arises amongst peers, I think of Lisa Sunbury's post, Holding her Through her Tears.  She discusses the idea of keeping the calm space when your child cannot.  


My daughter was in the midst of protesting her pre-nap diaper change. her face scrunched up, legs kicking and tears streaming as she yelled. I remembered Lisa's words and kept the calm space by slowing down.  

My husband who was watching with concern said, "Can you hurry it up a bit!?"  

Every time she screamed, I took a deep breath and continued, slow and steady.  I acknowledged her feelings, talked her through next steps and within minutes, that felt like hours, she calmed.  I continued to get her dressed as she babbled and cooed as if nothing ever happened. When the diaper change was complete, I gave her a gentle squeeze and let out one last sigh.  

However, I will not always have a soothed and babbling baby by slowing down when her feelings are intense. The only guarantee is that by keeping the calm, my daughter knows that I can handle her big feelings and keep her safe when she's disorganized.  

I don't need to fix her feelings, I just need to be her rock. 

For additional tips on how to help your child through difficult care routines check out...
Janet Lansbury; Diaper Change Disaster 

A lovely post about slowing down with toddlers...
Peaceful Parenting

Life Lessons Learned Through Art; The perks of being raised by an artist.

My mother loves to tell the story about the time she discovered me painting.  I was two years old and found my way to a canvas she had been working on.  I grabbed the red paint and added a few special touches.  When she discovered what I had done to her artwork, I looked at her proudly and said, "I PAINTED!"  

She responded with a smile, "Yes you did."

When my sister and I were older, she began to teach art classes in the basement of our house.  It was during these basement art classes (whether she was aware of it or not), that she taught me three invaluable life lessons that have shaped and enhanced my life. 

1.  Make your mistakes work for you. 

I remember the day she handed all of her students sharpie markers.  She instructed, "We are using sharpies today because you cannot erase.  If you make a mistake, you'll need to figure out how to make it work." I realize now, this was an exercise in perseverance.  The marks made in the past are permanent, so make new marks, change paths and turn mistakes into something meaningful and useful in the best way possible. 

2.  See below the surface.

My mother set up a still-life that included a candle with a lit flame. She told us, "Do not look at the candle and see a candle. Do not draw a candle.  Instead, look at the lines and shapes that create the candle.  Notice the circle of light that the candle is casting, and the triangular shape of the negative space?"  This lesson taught me to see through the eyes of curiosity.  To take note of the dramatic swoop of a tree trunk, the way the sun gives everything a golden glow at dusk, and the perfect curl of my daughter's eyelashes.  Because of her, I don't miss out on the beauty, quirk, and uniqueness of the lines, shapes and shadows that make up our world. 

3.   Do it for the joy that it brings.

I entered a scarecrow making contest for a 4-H fair.  My mother helped me create a lopsided, wild eyed scarecrow in roller skates and a hot pink boa.  Every time we looked at our scarecrow, we began to laugh.  This scarecrow was sure to win first place!  I received a red ribbon (not blue) due to it not meeting the quality scarecrow-making criteria.  But it didn't phase us a bit.  We loved standing back and observing county fair visitors as they pointed and chuckled at our creation. Next year, I entered the contest again, and like last year our weird imperfect scarecrow brought us joy and delight, and like last year, I did not receive a best-in-show.  

http://susanmillerart.blogspot.com/2014/03/funky-birds.html

Because my mother nurtured the artist in me, her art classes in the basement taught me to persevere,  wonder in the ordinary, and make joy a priority.  

And for that, I am forever grateful.  

To the most whimsical, kind and generous artist I know...

Happy Mother's Day. 

You can find my mother's artwork at Susan Miller Art

The Unqantifiable Benefits of Play

With the push for early academic success and the epidemic of developmentally inappropriate practices in today's schools, play is cut out of children's lives. Instruction time is added in place of recess for drilling, cramming, and memorizing so that a test can be passed, an award can be won, and a teacher can keep her job.  

"We have to get the children ready for (insert future grade level here_____)" is a phrase I hear too often in the field of education. In result, childhood's gift of living in the present is seized by the stress of living in the future. 

In an attempt to validate play and justify it's presence in the lives of children, we, as play advocates, are called to dissect and quantify to prove to parents, educators and politicians that it will ensure academic success. The message is clear, if it doesn't expedite emerging math, science and literacy skills, it's too risky to pursue. So, in the meantime the essence of play becomes lost in a sea of preschool, kindergarten, and college readiness.

YES, children learn math, science, and literacy skills best through play, but more importantly, the real magic of play is about educating the heart. 


Play educates the heart by...

• providing an outlet for emotional release and understanding. 

• allowing children to imagine the perspective of others (just a little thing called EMPATHY).

• building community.

• creating feelings of joy (we want our children to be happy right?)

It is my dream, that one day, nurturing the human spirit and educating the heart becomes a core priority in our schools. 

When I watch my daughter play,  I'm not worried if the time spent playing will ensure that she counts by preschool or reads in Kindergarten. But instead, I trust that play is doing more important work by helping her become a resilient, loving, and joyful person, thus opening her mind, body and soul for a deeper kind of learning. Learning so deep, it exists on a cellular level and refuses to be quantified.  

We are never more 
fully alive, more completely ourselves, or more deeply engrossed in anything than when we are playing."

-Charles Schafer

More on this topic...

The New Deficiency Formally Known as Childhood

Want to get your kids into college?  Let them play.

Crisis in the Kindergarten: Why Children Need to Play in School